Official Newsletter of the Old-Time Hockey Over-30 League
24 Years and counting
Article 290 September 12, 2015
Game results and Player(s) of the Week
Talk about cynicism… The League Director likes to bust the webmaster’s balls about a lack of (or delayed) updates to the website… but yet on week 1 (WEEK ONE) someone did not do “Their” job and write the game summaries.
To our Rookies... Normally in this section you would read all about the game summary recap… but instead of reading about the games, you have to read an apology.
So to our readers: We apologize for the lack of game summaries, he only had 2-weeks to write them… and more importantly we would like to apologize to Shawn Miville who’s game 1 performance was one for the record books… and yet "NO PRESS!!!" to cover the most significant game one storyline.
He’s now going to resort to the webmaster’s excuse and issue a “Double Edition” next week.
Once again our sincerest apologies and an explaination as to what happened from Patrick Kennedy
Whoa!! Easy Patrick… One of the two press people did their job
~the webmaster (who did his job)
Trash Can Talk
Thanks Tosh.O Disclaimer
Let’s get this party started…
Rookie Walter Maslak got the 2015 Winter Season party started by scoring the first goal of the season. We would like to say it was a “Pretty Goal” (but we can’t). We would like to say it was a “Blast” (but we can’t). The only thing we can say courtesy of the Toronto Review Crew it that it was a “Good Goal”… because in reality, it was a “miss-fired worm burner” that Billy Gardynski Sr literally almost tripped over.
When Nick Romano saw Walter scoring the inaugural goal of the new season.., all he could say was “A rookie scores the first goal of the season… that’s BULLSHIT!!!”
Nick has the self-proclaimed title of “most inaugural goals scored - ever”… to start a new season. Though we have not actually fact checked the archives and data… We just let Nicky think it’s him.
We interrupt this forum to bring you our continuous coverage of “Mivillegate”
After playing just one game in his highly anticipated return to the Over-30 League… the top trending news story is Shawn Miville’s performance last week for Labatt Blues.
For more on Shaun’s historic inaugural game… we send you down to reporter Pierre McGuire for “Between the Glass”… or the Over-30 version “Between the Gaps” where players literally shout insults and comments between the gaps in the glass.
Whose clothes are whose?
In the span of about 8-seconds returning phenom Shawn MivilleundressedColleen O'Connell at the blue line… then streaked into the offensive zone and undressedBilly Gardynski Sr in his own crease to notch his first goal of the season.
Billy was flopping around like a fish out of water gasping for air… as Shawn toyed and stickhandled the ball just a mere 4-foot from the net-minder, his stickhandling left Sr flopping and trying to guess where it was going to go.
For the record: It went top corner when Shawn was done toying with Billy… and all that with only 2-seconds left in the first period.
Side note: Colleen and Sr had to take a moment to get re-dressed and figure out whose clothes are whose?
Who’s Colleen O'Connell?
Simmer down… No there is not a new female in the league for you animals to hit on.
(Formally Sedille; that was formally O’Connell and now back to O’Connell)
It seems Colleen’s favorite pastime back in 1986 was hockey…and her nickname was “Okie”... and who else was in Colleen’s LVTI Class of 1986, why none other than our webmaster Jim Barber
Rumor has it Jim’s photo is being submitted to Ray Dow for the 2016 Wednesday summer team… the “Jimmy B’s”????
Stewville (Population 1)
Billy Gardynski Sr census report now has him listed as the only resident and Governor of Stewville (Population 1).
Billy Sr was seen stewing and very animated when speaking to his son Billy Gardynski Jr during the switching of ends. He was witnessed trying to justify and breakdown his flopping technique to his son.
It’s ok Sr… I guarantee you will not be the only goalie flopping and guessing at what Miville will do next.
Drive for five???
Hey Shawn Miville… Are you confused by the “Drive for Five” slogan that has been allocated to Jamie Kehoe and his quest for 5-championships in-a-row?
“Drive for Five” does not mean go out and make “The Great One” Matty Iannello and his team look silly by scoring 5-goals on your triumphant return to the league.
However, Enjoy your Dunkin Donuts “Player of the week award”… because if you do not get player of the week after that performance… then the whole award process is just a sham.
Fact: No Over-30 player has ever scored 5-goals on opening day… We’ve had Hat Trick(s) and maybe even a four-bagger… but never 5! Congrats Shawn, you made the Over-30 History Book.
Ray’s new Meal Ticket
Ray Dow should be the #1 fantasy pick (for defenseman)… as Ray has a new meal ticket this season. Ray’s ticket to collecting points… Feed Shawn Miville.
Ray had 3-assists on Shawn’s 5-goals. Let that be a lesson to both Fantasy Owners and Labatt Blues Players this season… you want points? “Feed Shawn” or bury his passes and you too can find yourself high up on the League Leader Board riding his coattails (All aboard!!!).
Co-worker Etiquette or Sympathy?
Down 6-1 in the 3rd and with running time.., Island of Misfit Toys Captain Matty Iannello found himself breaking in on Billy Gardynski Jr (who played outstanding in net). Of course Matty scored on the breakaway (what else would you expect… he’s The Great One). The real story line is… Was it Co-worker Etiquette or Sympathy?
The defenseman Matty had to get by for the break-in was none other than fellow co-worker Ray Dow. We noticed Ray didn’t try as hard as #77 was passing him leading us to ask Ray if he “Let Matty get by because he’s a co-worker?” or if he “Let Matty get by because he was sympathetic of the beating they were throwing the reigning 2-time 1st Runner-up Loser?”
Ray declined to comment and exclaimed “No more questions!!” and asked to finish his Labatt Blue beer in private.
Doomsday Preppers – The “Miville Plan”
Doomsday Preppers plan for the Zombie Apocalypse and Nuclear War… Over-30 Goalie Jeff Deharo is stocking his basement with canned goods and fresh water for what he’s calling the “Miville Plan”.
It seems Jeff hasn’t played a single game yet and is already panicking about the devastation and destruction that Shawn Miville inflicted on Billy Gardyski Sr. Texts from Jeff came flying into the MEMA Bunker “Miville had 5 goals!”
So according to Jeff’s “Miville Plan”… “We put a guy on him from each line when we play them on the 12th.”
Why all the can goods and water you ask? That’s in case Jeff gives up (6 or more) goals to Shawn… He “plans” on staying in his bunker and not showing his face again.
New Segment – “If Dan Doesn’t… ”
For NFL Coach Dennis Green; “They are who we thought they were” and for legendary defenseman Dan Broderick “It is what it is” regarding his past 4-seasons of missing the playoffs
For Dek Hockey Hall of Fame Inductee Dan that history is 4-straight seasons without making the playoffs. It’s not from a lack of leadership… Dan knows how to win the big games.
Dan’s disappointing streak comes from multiple heartbreaking losses that he can recount (at will) as to why his teams were eliminated from even making the playoffs. One goal losses, internal anarchy, or other teams not helping to get his team in the playoffs… It’s all water under the bridge now Dan. Don’t cry at that empty glass of spilled milk on the floor, or in your case Milk of Magnesia.
We are starting a new segment called “If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year I will…”
Since I started this segment I will go first;
“If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year I will… Post my updates every week (on time) in the Spring 2016 Season and not once have a double edition of the forum”
“If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year I will… Retire from refereeing become an active player (on Dan’s team only) to help him win another championship before he formally retires in 10-years”
~ Jon Picard
“If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year I will… I will step down as league Director and officially hand over my title to the Assistant league Director Mike Naczas.”
~ Bill Abcunas (Current League Director)
Now we want to hear from more Over-30 players and what they are willing to do…
“If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year”
Are you willing to retire or quit?
Are you willing to bet some money? (We always have a bookie on-call)
Are you willing to get a #5 Tattoo?
Are you willing to offer up a Clam Plate? (Naz?)
Submit your pledge and “If Dan doesn’t make the playoffs this year I will…” to firstname.lastname@example.org
50-Shades of Blue
Either someone had “The Blues” over the summer … or there must have been either a “Blue Plate Special” or a “Blue Light Special” at the Over-30 Jersey Plant this summer.
Someone went a little crazy on the blue jerseys: Navy blue, Royal blue, Columbia blue… If I didn’t know any better Kellie and Billy bought the jerseys from the same guys that served them lunch… and they told them what color jersey's they were getting this year.
“No Black – Blue?”… “No Green – Blue?” … “No Yellow – Blue?”
Did you all notice the Assistant League Director is now also semi-retired and playing for his new team “The Zebras”. Seems Mike Naczas is fed up with the officiating over recent years and decided he can do a better job at “blowing the whistle” instead of “blowing up” (at the guy) blowing the whistle. Remember that Naz? When you lost your mind and threw a tantrum at the pressure of missing the playoffs (twice). Remember???
We were all going to sign a retirement card for you… (but)… you might decide halfway through the season that you want to play (like your immediate supervisor) and jump on to a contending team (Mid to late season) so we are not throwing you a retirement party for your hockey career (just yet).
Call me crazy… but is it me or does Referee Jon Picard’s hairdo looks like he goes to Archie Andrews’ Barbershop in Riverdale?
Or is the photo below on Jon’s Barbershop wall and Pic keeps asking for “The Archie” and they don’t have the heart to tell him it’s a cartoon.
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