Over 30 Hockey League

More Giving back

Congratulations Brian “Cappy” Capodilupo for winning the December "Giving Back to the Players" raffle.

“Cappy” won himself a $200 Visa Gift Card (just in time for the holidays)…, and based on his postgame celebration crushing Jason Carrien’s Corona’s he might want to get the unofficial Player Union President a case for Christmas…. “Yeeeaaaah Cap!!”

Playoff Picture

With 1^st place and 2^nd place locked up…, the only real question is who is going to take full ownership of the last place seed.

(if) the Sandbaggers win against White Lies…, Sandbaggers clinch the 3^rd seed, and no one moves in the standings.  Sandbaggers (#3), Tealsters Union (#4), Royal Family (#5) and White Lies (#6).

(if) the Sandbaggers lose and the Tealsters Union wins…, then the Tealsters Union clinches the 3^rd seed, and the final standings will be: Tealsters Union (#3), Sandbaggers (#4), White Lies (#5) and Royal Family (#6).

Unofficial Protest

White Lies Captain Jim Barber has officially submitted the paperwork to petition the league regarding their 5-1 loss to Black Magic.

3-weeks ago their game was halted for the first (of two) Carbon Monoxide emergency evacuations with 2:54 left to play in the 2^nd period of a 1-1 tie.  As you read in the previous week’s forum using Draft Kings AI.., they were projected to win that game in OT (once again).

Fast forward three weeks and two evacuations later…, with the slate wiped cleaned and a fresh start to the game…, It was all Black Magic as they trounced the last place team 5-1 because they were too afraid to resume the previous game already underway and face another potential loss by the underdogs.

The Young & The Rest-less

The one shining moment for White Lies was the return of the league’s “youngest” player in Dan Poirier Jr.  After spending weeks on the IR list, Dan picked up where he left off (scoring goals for his team).  Dan was sent in on a breakaway and after missing his first attempt on Scotty Rosato, he roofed his own rebound to make it 2-1 and the lonely team highlight.

Dan’s goal was their lone highlight as “The Rest-less” Dominic DeFrancisco didn’t stop running all game and was simply a one-man wrecking crew with the absence of Pedro Fontes.

1-Point Lead

Pedro Fontes picked the wrong week to miss a game.  Down just 1-point behind Mike Duggan for the league leader…, Pedro was a no show for his game against the last place team. 

What should have been a week to make a push for the lead has now dwindled to a potential second place runner up (if Paul Sequeira doesn’t catch him this week) and the rumor mill says the Paul is out this week.  So, congratulations Pedro, you’re #2.

20/20 Club?

If Mike Duggan can figure out a way to score just 1-goal and record 7-assists and have himself an 8-point game to finish the regular season…, then he will join Matty Iannello as the latest inductee into the 20/20 Club.

Since we’ve never witnessed an Over-30 Player have an 8-point game we had to reach out to the Bruins organization for Andy Brickley’s “Keys to a 1-goal and record 7-assists game”.

• Score his 20^th goal early in the game and take the pressure off.
• Feed Ray Nickerson and Manny Nunes like they are newborn twins.
• Hope Scotty Rosato can’t make the game and Jeff Deharo fills in for him.
• Pray the entire Black Magic team attends the same Christmas party at 5:30
• Stop missing games (those 3-games) sure could’ve come in handy now.

Chalk Outline

With no time to “hit the dek”…, Leo Trombley was just a stick-width away from becoming a chalk outline on the dek.

Last week Lee Nogler stepped up and let a blast go that makes most goalies pucker…, never mind a forward wearing thin shin pads and a non-goalie stick for protection.

Seeing Lee wind up…, Leo had just a split second to pucker up and turn slightly to avoid his pending doom.  Luckily for Leo his 2” wide stick took the brunt of Lee’s blast as it ricocheted out of play.

To put in comparison…, this kid and Leo probably shared the same feeling;

Cha-Cha Slide

Last week Rob Sheridan went 1-for-3 (33%) doing the wedding dance craze the “Cha-Cha Slide”.

First Rob did a “Slide-to-the-left”…, and missed getting a penalty for crashing into a Sandbagger. 

Then “Dr Rob” did a “Slide-to-the-right”…, and wiped out a Sandbagger player and earned himself a 1-minute penalty. 

Before the game was over Rob completed the dance craze with a “Criss-Cross” slide crashing into the boards right below hecklers row.

We might have to come up with an Over-30 poll… Who is the biggest slider in the league?  Rob Sheridan, Tony Mastrocola, Steve Medeiros or Jim Barber?

Hired Help

With the castaways of Marooned dropping fast…, the Jamie Kehoe-less team only had 6-players to take on the last place team (of 11-players).  The League Director quickly put out a “Help Wanted” sign and both John Kelleher and Jim Barber answered the ad.

Both Jim and John did nothing for their own teams in the two previous games…, but when they got to play with Mike Duggan, he made them both look like superstars during (3) separate 2-on-1 opportunities. 

First John buried (both) of his two opportunities that Mike gave him…, and Jim followed suit by not choking on his 2-on-1 rush (right in front of his teammates) perched high in Hecklers Row.

For other teams considering using Jim and John in the future for a much-needed win, remember this;

"In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.  These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Merrimack Valley underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.  If you have absent players, if you need goals, if no one else can help, and if you can find them... maybe you can hire…, The J-Team."

Heckle of the Week

It was a bad week to be Elder Lopes.  It started off on a good note…, by having the week off to play hockey, but after that…, it was all downhill from there.

Everyone has come to love (or hate) “Hecklers Row”, and that feeling changes on a weekly basis and depending on if you’re the “Heckler” or the “Hecklee”.

Aside from his team being shutout 5-0…, Last week Elder was the clear winner of the “Heckling of the Week” when he was turned inside out by a player that is just one handicap placard away from getting his own dedicated parking space in Hockeytown’s newly paved parking lot.

Donny Maccini turned the NBHL Rattler and Team Portugal prospect inside out, right in front of the timekeeper’s box and then blew past him for a scoring opportunity, which thankfully he didn’t score on…, and the fans in Hecklers Row went wild.

Disappearance Act

After the game, Elder did his best David Copperfield impersonation and quickly disappeared before Donny had a chance to tell Elder all about the moves he put on him.

Fellow Portagee Dave Costa increased his chances of making Team Portugal by leaking video footage to the Team Portugal Director highlighting Elder’s inability to stop a player…, who looks like he pieces together his hockey equipment from the Hockeytown lost and found…, and has very limited mobility and speed.

Encore Wynn Bet of the week.  Will Elder show up for his teams last game of the season… or will he have to “work”?  This week’s odds: Playing -200 - Work +450

Squad 51

[Operator] 9-1-1 What’s your emergency?

(Caller) We need Fire & Rescue to Hockeytown Saugus.

[Operator] What seems to be the trouble is there another CO leak?

(Caller) Ummmm, No…, we had one of our elderly players fall ass-over-teakettle onto the playing surface.

[Operator] Was he playing shutdown defense?

(Caller) No, he was rushing and not taking his time.

[Operator] Please stay on the line while we dispatch help.

[Dispatch] Squad 51 we have someone who has fallen and can’t get up!

[Operator] Is he still conscious?

(Caller) Yes, but he’s just lying flat on his back…, he’s turning a little red.

[Operator] Is he having trouble breathing?

(Caller) No, he just looks like he’s really embarrassed.

(Caller) Can you please send someone quickly?

[Operator] Please sit tight, Squad 51 is on the way.

Ironic

Just like Alanis Morissette’s 1996 release “Isn’t it ironic” that one week Mike Naczas is ringing the fire bell and taking pictures in front of the Saugus Fire Department truck…, and the very next week he becomes a patient for the very same department.

We have footage of Mike Naczas being loaded into an awaiting ambulance.

Royal PT

Looks like Gary Goodwin took another step closer to returning to play in the Over-30 League.

Last week Gary was seen strutting around without a cast and doing his 12oz curls for his physical therapy as prescribed by his doctor (Dr. Feelgood).

We’ll see if he has an impact for Royal Family when he returns…, or if his Captain Angelo De Luca will put him back on the PUP List and make him the official team mascot, sparkplug distributor and permanent benchwarmer for 2024.

Lollipop Guild 

For years Tony & Johnny Mastrocola have been the punchline for the Over-30’s Wizard of Oz “Munchkin” jokes.

We decided to dig a little further into the former “Lollipop Guild” and discovered there was actually a 3^rd Mastrocola brother, and this home movie proves our suspicion.

After Munchkin Land

It’s been years since the Mastrocola Brothers stopped singing and dancing and abruptly left the “Lollipop Guild” to venture off and create lives outside of Hollywood that surrounded them with glitzy lights, camera and paparazzi.

They traded Hollywood for Hockeytown and cashed in their dancing shoes and lollipops for shinpads and hockeyballs…, but the brothers took vastly different paths in their hockey careers.

Tony Mastrocola took a leave of absence from the Over-30 League to attend to a nagging hip injury and coach his son’s youth hockey team.  Tony has made a miraculous comeback this season playing with Rob Sheridan and (so far) in 12-games he’s notched 5-goals (including 1-GWG) and 4-assists during his comeback tour.

However, for brother Johnny Mastrocola the “other side of the rainbow” is not so glamours.  Plagued by injuries, a team that is slowly dissolving and a Captain that left them marooned…, Unlike his brother (Tony) who sought professional help and treatment for his injury, Johnny turned to walk-in clinics and self-medicating.

Johnny was recently spotted at Mass & Cass (aka The Methadone Mile) trying to score some horse cream only to learn that Mayor Wu and the City of Boston closed it down.  So, like all hamstring junkies he turned to the dark web (Amazon) to support his habit.

The only problem is Johnny got his hands on some cheap knockoff brand and found out the hard way, as once again he came up wincing and pounding the floor in frustration to his latest attempt to get off the indefinite IR list.

However, Johnny played long enough to earn himself the Week#14 Five Guys player of the week award.  For those players who eat at Five Guys, don’t be surprised if you see Johnny outside one of them trying to trade his gift card for some uncut horse cream or tranquilizers.

Step Right Up!

Step right up…, measure your slapshot speed…, 3-shots for $1

Gary Wurlitzer brought up his radar gun for players to test their slap shot speed…, and it was no surprise that Mike Duggan (just like the leaderboard) topped the competition with his 94mph shot. 

Several players were afraid to step up and test it for fear of having their weak shot exposed.

The League’s front office might want to borrow Gary’s radar gun and force players to register their slapshot speed with the league to avoid stacking teams.

Retired?

With Matty Iannello taking the entire season off to deal with his looming surgery…, the real question is will “The Great One” be forced to retire and follow Ed Nigro and Joe Shannon into the Over-30 Hall of Fame?

Matty may not “have the heart” anymore to play hockey…, but when you’re “The Great One” you just transition your skillset to another sport and make moves to become the best in that league.

Congratulations Matty on your “2023 Best Newcomer As A Player” Award from the Winners Circle Cornhole Club.  We’re sure you deserved it…, but let us know if you win the “2024 Prick of the Year” Award next season after they see the real “Matty-I”.

Sidenote: Like all good Over-30 minions of the league…, see, the former Captain’s Mutiny (Captain) is still representing the Over-30 brand!

Surprise Guest

Don’t be surprised if you see a special guest make an appearance tomorrow after the 4:30 game…, who will it be? 

A former player…, a Hall of Fame Inductee…, Whacky Inflatable Tubeman #BillDeharo..., Someone from Team Portugal with playing contracts for 2024 players??? 

All good guesses…, but you’ll know when you see him tomorrow.

Signing Off

This is it…, the last official forum for the 2023 Winter Season.  In case you don’t know…, we shutdown all the trash talking and let the players focus on the upcoming playoffs.

As always, thanks for tuning in each week to read about the previous week’s highlights and lowlights as we put our comedic spin on the league.

From the Forum Staff, Writers and Contributors (as we always say) “The Forum writes Itself… Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and an early Happy New Year…, see you in 2024.